3 Simple Phrases Great Leaders Always Use

An often-cited but frequently misunderstood communication study completed by UCLA researcher Albert Mehrabian found that

93% of face-to-face communication comes from something other than the words used.

Translation – only 7% comes from the actual words themselves.

Sounds pretty straightforward, right?

So why is this nugget of useful information so commonly misunderstood? Because in reality, the study doesn’t really relate to understanding the literal meaning of the words that are communicated. 

It really relates to the impact of the words or the impression the person has of the communicator.
Yes – body language and tone of voice absolutely matter in the communication process. But words matter as well, especially for understanding.

And this leads me to an important question...

What happens when you are asked to do something, and you don’t understand the reason behind the request?
Before answering this question, consider this story that comes from Mike – a person I was coaching earlier this year as part of a leadership development program. He shared an incredibly rude situation that one of his previous bosses initiated, and it really demonstrated the best way to kill the morale and trust of any team. Here’s what happened…

Upon arriving at work, he and a few of his coworkers would casually chat in the hallway before beginning the day.
This went on for a few months without any problems. And let’s be clear – it would only last for about 5 or 10 minutes at the most, before everyone then would go to their desks to begin the day. More important, it did NOT get in the way of this group doing their respective jobs, as they were all solid performers.  And equally important, although it was only for just a few minutes, it went a long way toward strengthening the bonds between these team members.

Then one day, out of the blue, this emotionally unintelligent boss comes storming out of her office and says in a very angry voice,

“From now on, I don’t want to see anyone socializing at the start of the day. When you arrive here, you should be working, not socializing.”
Wow!

It's important to point out that Mike emphasized that this was a high-performing group so it wasn't as if their brief socializing in the morning was preventing each of them from doing their job. 

So let me ask – what was the result of the actions of this boss? Exactly – she engendered mistrust, anger, and a whole lot of negative emotion. Not to mention, that she also created a great deal of resentment with the people she was leading.

Now, aside from the emotion of her communication, what was wrong with what she actually said? There was NO context whatsoever. It seemed so arbitrary to these employees.

If this were the only time this boss had done something like that, I would not have used this as an example. But you see, according to Mike, this boss was guilty of this type of egregious leadership behavior on a fairly regular basis.

He did go on to say – and I thought this was a nice example of turning something to your advantage – that he learned a great deal from this boss about what NOT to do as a boss.

Because this boss offered no context or reason why she was making the request, it seemed so dictatorial.
And as Mike explained, this pattern of disrespectful behavior did severe damage to the performance and morale of the team – not to mention it even caused some to begin looking for another job.

So assuming Mike’s boss had a legitimate reason, what should she have said to this group of employees?  

Nothing.  That's right, she should have waited to address this problem at a more appropriate time.  For example, she could have called a quick meeting later that morning with this group of employees, and said something like…

“So the reason I called this meeting is because there’s a problem we need to address. During the senior leadership meeting yesterday, Jim (senior director) mentioned that he thought it would be a good idea if we refrained from socializing in the hall first thing in the morning. And here’s why – he feels strongly – and after thinking about it I agree too – that it doesn’t reflect well on us to our customers who are here at that time. So, beginning tomorrow, would you mind holding off from socializing in the hall first thing in the morning? Does this make sense?”

Now, this language would be WORTHLESS if she wasn't communicating from a place of honesty.  And her staff would see right through it if she was trying to hide behind Jim instead of addressing the issue herself. 
Assuming that she was honest, and assuming the time spent socializing did NOT affect the quality of work performed by this group, can you see what a difference this would have made with her staff? 

And if this didn't make sense to anyone during the meeting, she would respectfully listen to them, and then justify why this is the right thing to do.  Even if they disagreed, they would willingly follow her lead because she demonstrated one of the most important leadership attributes – RESPECT.  

Most important, did you catch the three key phrases in this example? They were:

“And here’s why…”
“Would you mind…”
“Does this make sense?”

Let’s dig into the details of each phrase.

1.  “And here’s why…”
Whenever making a request, whether it is something small like the one that Mike’s boss made, or something large like a major restructuring of your team, skillful leaders understand that it is CRITICAL to communicate why the request is being made. And just as important – maybe even more important – to do it succinctly.

Here’s why this language is so powerfully important: it gives others an understanding of how the request fits into the way things are being done presently. It doesn’t look arbitrary to that person. And most important, it helps people to willingly embrace the change in a way that builds their morale and commitment to your leadership.  

2.  “Would you mind…”

Even if the person has the authority to do so, nothing is worse than being told what to do. Most of us prefer to be asked than to be told, right? So for this reason, whenever possible you want to put your requests to team members – both verbally and in writing – in the form of a question.

The reason is that it simply resonates better from the vantage point of the person hearing the request. And it makes you more of a leader and less of a dictator. Whether consciously or subconsciously, it gives the other person (or group of people) a sense that they have some degree of control over what you are asking. And just as important, it allows you to understand the degree of resistance or push back.

3.  “Does this make sense?”
With this question, you are testing the reaction from the other person (or group of people) to what you’ve just communicated. So the key with this important phrase is not really in asking the question, but rather in listening to the reaction of the other person(s). This affords you the critical opportunity to understand the degree of their resistance or acceptance.

And when I say, “listen to the reaction”, I’m really talking about watching the other person’s body language and listening to the tone of their voice. Specifically, listen with your eyes and third ear when saying this in person, and listen with your third ear when saying this on the telephone. And just to be clear – what I mean by “third ear” is to listen for the tone in the person’s voice.

So, when you’re communicating with other people, what percentage of the time do you use each of these phrases? More importantly, as a leader, how could you incorporate this more often into your communication style as a leader?

By habitually using these 3 phrases, you will strengthen your ability to effortlessly lead others in the direction that you want them to go. And that simply will make your role as a leader much more powerful and meaningful – something we all want when leading other people.